Jun 17, 2014

Hometown Glory: Thank You Spurs


Excuse my fangirling for a spell, but the San Antonio Spurs became the NBA Champs of 2014 last night, and well, goodness gracious, I got a lot of thank you notes to write to them...




  • I want to thank you for playing like class acts with no egos in sight. 
  • I want to thank you for making people never dare utter the words "boring" and "past their prime" in your presence (well, until next season, when everyone will have selective amnesia about this Finals believing it didn't happen...)
  • I want to thank you for knocking down the hero worship pedestal that is continuously propped up on superstar driven teams like the Miami Heat thus proving that teams don't revolve around ONE person, and are built not hyped.
  • I want to thank you for leaving all of us mystified at the essence of superb ball playing because Game 3 and 4...got damn y'all just painted the court with some fine neo-classic slam-a-jam ART.
  • I want to thank you for digesting every word said and taking in every blood vessel burst by Pop because In Pop We Trust.
  • I want to thank you for making me tear my hair out and cuss at my television all season long, it's been therapeutic, and I didn't like my hair long anyway...
  • I want to thank you for making me go out and buy bootleg gear with 'Go Spurts Go' on it.
  • I want to thank you for making Lebron James reach for the Midol...and the Pepto Bismol. (Got cramps? Got gas? Got diarrhea of the ego?)
  • I want to thank you for making Dwayne Wade disappear like he was on that vanished Malaysian flight.
  • I want to thank you for Unleashing The Kawhi leading him to be this year's much deserved MVP. Quiet IS deadly.

  • I want to thank you for being the hottest team...literally. I'm objectifying with finesse over here.

  • I want to thank you for making NBA History by 1) having the largest point differential (14 points); 2) having the highest shooting percentage (.5276 percent from the field); 3) having the third-youngest MVP (Leonard); 4) having a player racking up the most minutes played (Duncan) in all of Finals history. PLUS for being the best franchise in the post-Michael Jordan era.
  • I want to thank you for making commercials about salsa, steaks, and laundry detergent high comedy. 
  • I want to thank the veteran Spurs for always showing support, and for being the groundwork that made this Spurs roster possible. 

  • I want to thank you for being so majestic out on that court that you force all media to scramble and talk about anything and everything else (why the Heat lost, why the Heat need Carmello Anthony, how the Heat can come back next year, oh, and the did-we-really-care-about-this-before WORLD CUP) ad nauseum because they don't want to admit how stupid y'all make them feel for slumbering on you all this time and for batshit believing they are witnessing the next Michael Jordan in LeBron James. (Side note to the media: Stop making LeBron James be Michael Jordan. There will never be another MJ. Stop making the Heat into the '80s Lakers and the '90s Bulls. If a team has to rely on ONE guy to win, that team is a shit cake of fail. Stop. /end rant)
*clears throat* Now some personal thank you's: 
  • I want to thank you Pop for his one-liners post-game and during on-court interviews that are so sharp and icy that they could chill a San Francisco morning and snatch a baby's breath.
  • I want to thank Timmy '"Old" Man Riverwalk' Duncan for proving age ain't nuthin' but a number and that your age is the only insulting thing ESPN can find to say about you.
  • I want to thank Kawahi Leonard (again) for fucking LeBron's shit up. #BigHandVoodoo

  • I want to thank Boris Diaw for casting ball movement magic.
  • I want to thank Tony Parker for all that crazy dribbling you do that in turn also fucks you up.
  • I want to thank Danny Green for knocking down threes and putting on stealing clinics every game.
  • I want to thank Corey Joseph for being the hardest working player out there (MVP 1.2 in my heart)
  • I want to thank Tiago Splitter for being going inside the paint like a boss. 

  • I want to thank Patty Mills for throwing down some Aboriginal funk into the basket.
  • I want to thank Marco Bellinelli for also knocking down threes and racing like a road runner in heat. 
  • I want to thank Big Boy Baynes for slapping balls out.
  • I want to thank Matt Bonner for his old man scoot down the court and for bringing ginger power to the court.
  • I want to thank Manu Ginobilli, the ultimate contortionist, and his bald spot for its fierceness and hypnotizing powers that plays mind games with his enemies.

And finally...
  • I want to thank you, San Antonio Spurs, for winning a championship for the FIFTH time and for giving San Antonioans pride for having such a well-organized, humble, and talented team. Revenge is sweet and divine. GO SPURS GO!

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